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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25903120">Batman &amp; Cats, Man</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/writeJimmywrite/pseuds/writeJimmywrite'>writeJimmywrite</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Batman (Movies 1989-1997), Batman - All Media Types, Cats (2019), Cats - Andrew Lloyd Webber</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 12:40:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,213</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25903120</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/writeJimmywrite/pseuds/writeJimmywrite</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In only the second worst thing to happen this year, a contemporary camp of endlessly playful Cats parade the streets of a purple neon Gotham City circa 1997. Stunned by the appearance of these visitors, the normally-triumphant Caped Crusader investigates the frivolously-minded felines. Is this just a passing phase of a place subject to bizarre occurrences or is there something else going on beneath the tuna-scented, studio-recorded surface?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Batman &amp; Cats, Man</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>First-time fic writer. Open to constructive criticism and advice on how to improve.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em> In memory of Joel Schumacher (Aug. 29, 1939-Jun. 22, 2020) </em>
  </p>
</blockquote><hr/><p>
  <strong>Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Bats</strong>
</p><hr/><p><em> Are you blind when you're born<br/></em> <em>Can you see in the dark?</em></p><p>Voices echoed melodically through the urban acoustics of Gotham, while The World’s Greatest Detective puzzled over what was going on. As with every evening, neon purple lights bounced off the sculpted rubber armor that accentuated the abs, chest, and nipples of the Caped Crusader. Batman’s distinguished and vaguely paternal face studied the lively Gotham roadways. They usually served as gravel platforms for tasteful classic automobiles. Yet on this night they were stripped of their vehicles to be changed into a garish stage for flamboyant weirdos with unsettling features. </p><p>None of the 20-30 of them that crowded the roads seemed to have any hair. Each one had what looked like a bald head flanked by ears that were as far up their heads as Batman’s cowl ears. However, their heads weren’t completely bald. Instead of hair, they had fur. All of them had fur. They were covered in fur. And the only reason Batman even knew that every inch of them was covered in fur was because most of them weren’t wearing any clothes! Holy human decency laws, Batman!</p><p>But were they even human? They were certainly singing English words, even if their sentences were incomprehensible. And they also had human teeth, lips, noses, cheekbones, and eyebrows, which meant that they practically had human faces. However, they had other odd inhuman features like whiskers, tails, and pointed ears. But then again, they performed pirouettes on human feet and back handsprings on human hands. This was the most disturbing hybrid of creature and human that Batman had seen since Man-Bat. Were these the people of Gotham? Were they aliens? Science experiments? Who would willingly create something that would look like this? </p><p>Batman’s grotesque fascination with the creatures was soon reciprocated by the beasts, who met his eyes and directed a series of symphonic questions to the Dark Knight:</p><p><em> Familiar with candle, with book and with bell?<br/></em> <em>Were you Whittington's friend? The Pied Piper's assistant?<br/></em> <em>Have you been an alumnus of Heaven or Hell?</em></p><p>“Hell, definitely Hell,” Batman said, “please stop.”</p><p>
  <em>If you were and you are, you're a Jellicle cat.</em>
</p><p>“What even is a Je-”</p><p><em>Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats<br/></em> <em>Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats<br/></em> <em>Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats<br/></em> <em>Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats</em></p><p>It was no use. The more Batman tried to ask questions from this troupe of allegedly feline creatures, the more they sang a bunch of coordinated nonsense at him. Batman wasn’t going to get answers here when these Gotham City (not quite) sirens clearly weren’t in their minds. On top of that, this constant barrage of unwanted words made his head pulse violently, as if it wanted to burst right through his cowl.</p><p>Batman didn’t belong in this kind of scene. He turned and walked purposefully, ready to exit this surprise group performance. However, an aesthetically displeasing face intercepted him with more lyrics. </p><p>
  <em> We can dive through the air like a flying trapeze </em>
</p><p>Was this a threat? Batman turned away from the unnatural organism and towards the rooftops where he shot his grappling hook. Yet, when pulling himself to the top, he noticed the theatrical mob following him along by either swinging up fire escape steps or racing up the walls like top-level rock climbers. </p><p><em>We can run up the wall, we can swing through the trees<br/></em> <em>We can balance on bars, we can walk on a wire</em></p><p>As Batman made it to the roof, he tried to find an exit. Everywhere he turned, though, more and more of the creatures surrounded him with yet another round of their choruses. He hadn’t felt this annoyed since that time Mr. Freeze tried a telemarketing scam, which amounted to hundreds of ice-related prank calls. The line, “Is your freezer running?” haunted Batman in his nightmares for months. The return of this memory made Batman quite upset. </p><p>“I’m warning you,” he said sternly, “I don’t have patience for this.” </p><p><em> Can you sing at the same time in more than one key<br/></em> <em>Duets by Rossini and waltzes by Strauss?<br/></em> <em>And can you, as cats do, begin with a 'C' (Ahh)<br/></em> <em>That always triumphantly brings down the house?</em></p><p>The crowd inched suffocatingly close, enough for Batman to take in their acrid alleycat odors. He pulled out a Batarang, ready to throw. Immediately, they backed away and some even let out defensive hisses. “Last warning,” he said, raising his voice with the energy of a disappointed parent. “I’m not a Jericho cat or whatever it’s called. I am the night. I’m Batman.” </p><p>His actions appeared to have stopped them... but it was only for a moment. The cats began shimmying their shoulders, bobbing their heads, and gyrating their hips. They began walking slowly around in a rhythmic circle before restarting their tune:</p><p>
  <em> Jellicle cats are queens of the nights </em>
</p><p>Batman spun around cautiously, desperate to keep distance within his ever-shrinking radius. There were too many bodies for him alone to handle. </p><p>
  <em>Singing at astronomical heights</em>
</p><p>They were now getting louder and bolder with their movements, with some threatening to rush the circle. It wasn’t long before one brave cat managed to pounce on Batman from behind, running their humanoid fingers all over the Batsuit. It may have protected Batman from bullets, but the impossibly thin layers weren’t protecting him from feeling violated. </p><p>
  <em> Handling pieces from the Messiah </em>
</p><p>Batman grabbed ahold of this hand and leveraged his body to toss the cat over his shoulder. Remarkably enough, the cat landed not flat on its back but on its other hand, performing a gorgeous cartwheel right back into the circle. </p><p>
  <em> Hallelujah, angelical choir! </em>
</p><p>As Batman’s cape floated in the air, two cats ran in and grabbed a corner of the cape. They spun around getting the Caped Crusader dizzy until they wrapped him up like a big Bat-burrito. </p><p><em> Feline, fearless, faithful and true<br/></em> <em>To others who do what<br/></em> <em>Jellicles do and Jellicles can<br/></em> <em>Jellicles can and Jellicles do<br/></em> <em>Jellicle cats sing Jellicle chants</em></p><p>Batman had heard enough. He was not going to be a prisoner in his own cape, while they sang another meaningless round of jelly cat can-dos. Batman used the sharp edge of the Batarang to tear into his own cape and break his arms free. The large black fabric floated gently to the ground at the feet of a fat orange tabby. Stooping down, the tabby picked up the shredded cape and looked at it. </p><p>“Don’t even think about it,” Batman raised his voice.</p><p>
  <em> Practical cats, dramatical cats </em>
</p><p>The tabby whipped the cloth around the nape of his neck, tying the corners like a shoelace, and struck a pose. It looked like it was cocking its arm as if it were Batman about to throw the Batarang from earlier.</p><p>This really irritated the Dark Knight. In a moment of fury, he threw an actual Batarang at the orange one, hoping to stick that palm of his to teach him a lesson. However, not only did the tabby move its chubby little paw out of the way— it leapt high over the pointy projectile in a twisting 720° spin before landing lightly on the ground in a crouched pose fit for a superhero. Batman was stunned by this acrobatic display, rivaling his own world-class acrobat ward, Robin. What were these things?</p><p>
  <em>Romantical cats, pedantical cats</em>
</p><p>As Batman stood there capeless with his rubber rear exposed, a few filthy-minded felines saw fit to run in and give it a squeeze. The flamboyant display continued on both sides with the orange tabby striking poses in front of the hero and the rotating cast of vivacious violators from behind. At this point, the Crusader’s only concern was escaping this circus of sickos. He reached into his utility belt and popped a few smoke grenades on the ground. </p><p>The obstruction seemed to have stopped their singing and Batman tried to seize his opportunity for an escape. He pointed his grappling hook to a billboard that he could still see across the way. It was a significantly more dangerous shot than usual, but it would be worth the risk. </p><p>
  <span>The grappling hook’s rope fired through the night sky, whirring straight as an arrow towards the billboard’s railings. </span>
  <span>Every second that the hook stood suspended in the sky felt excruciating. The Dark Knight silently scolded the hook for taking up time he didn’t have.</span>
  <span> The smoke was already clearing!  He prayed and he hoped it would connect until finally…</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Allegorical cats, metaphorical cats</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Right as the hook finally connected, Batman found himself tackled by a slender white female causing him to drop the unretracted grappling gun </span>
  <span>near the elevated rooftop ledge.</span>
  <span> They tumbled yet again into the obnoxious rave. She fluttered her fingers around his body as though she were determined to tickle him into submission. As he stared at her weird face, mouthing these inane lyrics, Batman felt his hope dwindle away. There simply was no escaping them or this wretched rooftop. </span>
</p><p>Batman was a children’s play-thing in a musical diorama. </p><p><em> Cynical cats, habbinical cats<br/></em> <em>And magical cats<br/></em> <em>Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats</em></p><p>The loathsome hosts gathered around the scene and now lifted Batman into the sky as if he were crowd-surfing through a tuna-smelling sea of fuzzy hands. The experience was anything but liberating. He floated there, hearing these creatures starting their sixth chorus in this painful, never-ending song. </p><p>Who would subject him to such misery? Catwoman was into some freaky things, but genetically-modified stage performers weren't her style. Had the Joker come back? This certainly felt like a strange practical joke. Wait a minute... That was it!</p><p>Batman started flailing his arms and legs with a renewed sense of purpose. However, the felines began tossing him up into the air like a cheerleader. If he hadn’t cut his cape earlier, Batman was confident he could glide out of this predicament. </p><p><em> Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats<br/></em> <em>Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats</em></p><p>After the cats gently returned him upright on his feet, Batman raced over to his grappling gun, knowing his next stop exactly. And yet he felt his arms yanked back into an impromptu waltz. His partner for this go-round was a voluptuous black cat vaguely reminiscent of Selina Kyle. Batman’s cardio was excellent, but he was sweating profusely from the constant movement, exhaustion, and humidity. He smelled like a burning tire, making him wish he’d brought the Batmobile. </p><p><em> Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats<br/></em> <em>Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats!</em></p><p>The female he danced with twirled herself into Batman’s arms and quickly spun herself out, striking a triumphant pose. Everyone stood there, frozen for a moment. Batman wasn’t sure what to make of it.</p><p>“...Hello?” Batman asked.</p><p>And after the long, strange pause, they all ducked down to the ground, rolling themselves into a fetal position, and finally closed their eyes. </p><p>This wasn’t another trick, was it? After all that struggling they just gave up now? </p><p>Exhausted from the ordeal, Batman fought every instinct he had to join this little naptime. This felt like his last chance for an escape. So he tiptoed around the snoozing felines, avoiding the chance of waking them and initiating an encore performance. The gun wasn’t too much further away. He kept a vigilant eye out behind him, noticing many ears twitching and several heads turning, threatening to complete their brief snooze. Boy, they didn’t call those short rest times “cat-naps” for nothing. While Batman was looking behind himself, his foot accidentally stepped onto a tail. The cat attached to it leapt up, yowling in pain, and knocked Batman to the floor. All of the ears perked up and they opened their eyes, looking towards the call of distress.</p><p>“Oh no.” </p><p>Batman clumsily got to his feet and sprinted as quickly as he could to the gun, regardless of stepping on anyone’s anything. Just a little more. Just a little more!</p><p>Batman dove for the gun in a frantic baseball slide. After his fingers met the steel, he pushed the retract button as hard as he could and zipped himself off of the ledge. The breeze upon the Batman’s bare chiseled jawline had never felt like such a relief! As soon as his feet connected with the metal railing, he dropped himself down to the empty rooftops, disappearing into the night as fast as he could.</p><p>And yet, Batman wasn’t completely out of sight. Across a distance far too high for a mere grappling hook to reach, stood another creature studying The Bat. It was a bulky brown cat in a snazzy coat and a classy fedora. This cat thought it was a shame that the armored warrior had to go through so much trouble to get out of that predicament. Perhaps if he relied less on his manmade gadgets and more on actual magic, he could accomplish his mysterious goals, uninterrupted. Luckily for him, this debonair cat had just what he needed. Maybe an agreement could be reached between the two. The well-dressed cat stood upright on the billboard, focusing on vantage points that would allow him to track the gadgeteer. After spotting them, the cat teleported to these various checkpoints, each time using his signature incantation:</p><p>“Macavityyyyyyyyyyyyy…..”</p>
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